“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
Most people just want to get their point across. We often ignore the other person but pretend we're listening. We selectively hear what we want to respond to but often miss their meaning. Most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. We prepare in our minds what we're going to say while they’re still speaking. WE FILTER EVERYTHING THROUGH OURSELVES. Consequently, we decide prematurely what the other person means before he/she finishes communicating. This is called judgment, more on that next week.
God Listens to Us
Let’s look at a few passages and get some insight from God on how to listen. These are beautiful promises about the character and faithfulness of God, but we can also learn some universal principles about communication from these passages.
I love the Lord, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live. Psalm 116:1-2
LESSON #1: LISTENING DEVELOPS TRUST
“Because he heard me, I will call on him.” The Psalmist bears his heart about God, he lets us know that he feels heard by God, and because he feels heard by God, he will continue to go to God all the days of his life.
Do you feel like God hears you? He does all the time in every single situation. We often judge God because of the circumstances of our lives. We feel like we pray, and nothing happens. We then come up with doctrines and cliches like “when God is silent.”
I have news for you, God is never silent, he is always present to hear our hearts, and he is still responding with mercy, compassion, empathy, and wisdom. It’s up to us to lay aside our perspectives and change our thinking to his frequency - this is true repentance.
This principle also applies to our relationships. LISTENING DEVELOPS TRUST. Let’s flip it around, do you feel like there’s a break down in trust in your relationship? Maybe it’s because you don’t feel heard. Perhaps it’s because your spouse doesn’t feel heard by you. Am I speaking to you?
And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. 1 John 5:14
LESSON #2: LISTENING DEVELOPS CONFIDENCE
Let’s look at the definition of CONFIDENCE:
CONFIDENCE - Gr. parrēsia (click for lexicon)
Openly, Plainly, Boldly1. freedom in speaking, unreservedness in speech
- openly, frankly, i.e without concealment
- without ambiguity or circumlocution
- without the use of figures and comparisons2. free and fearless confidence, cheerful courage, boldness, assurance
Does your spouse feel confident (open, free to speak) that you are hearing and understanding them? Do your actions and follow up behavior reflect that you hear and understand? Or do you nod your head and go about your business?
I have seen too many relationships fall apart due to a lack of communication. People are willing to forgive, rebuild, and move on, but there must be communication. Once communication stops, I know the relationship is coming to an end. I have seen people talk through some of the most horrific situations, things you would think would be deal-breakers, but as long as they keep talking and working together, they overcome.
But there must be an open door for communication. That’s up to you. You have to let people feel safe enough to tell you the truth. The truth about their feelings as well as the truth about you.
If you respond in anger or become defensive, you can rest assured the other person will be less open and honest with you, and that could be the beginning of the end.
Practical Tips for Listening
Stop being defensive
Be a safe person. Allow people to tell you painful truths without being defensive. If you find yourself being defensive, slow down, and notice the underlying issue. You may find an insecurity or past hurt lingering around, driving your current behavior. Seek help to let it go.
Ask Questions
In seeking to understand before seeking to be understood, you must ask questions!! You may find out the information you didn’t know. You may help the other person clarify their thoughts when you take the time to ask questions.
Emphatic Listening
Try to see the world through the eyes of the other person. Get what they are feeling. Empathize with their perspective and feel what they’re saying. “You feel me?”
Rephrasing
Say back what you heard in your own words to confirm you understand. “What I heard you say is…” Make sure you know what the other person is saying before you respond. Make sure you understand their point before arguing or trying to make your point.
Listen to understand before expecting the other person to see everything from your perspective. Show empathy and compassion in your listening and watch all of your relationships reflect the character and love of God.
